Playing the Victim – The Most Comfortable Role

“I’m so upset. My daughter gave me a key to her place to water the plants while she’s away. I watered her pelargoniums, and tidied up a bit – the place was a mess, really. She got back from her trip today, and immediately started arguing with me for, as she put it, having messed up with her things and rearranging everything my way. She always attacks me, and I always come off worst,” a women approximately my mother’s age was telling me through tears.

“If you blame others for your failures, you are a victim, and no victim can be a winner.”

“But this is not about my failures! I don’t need to win! It’s just that she’s always rude to me. Sometimes I feel she can’t stand the sight of me. What did I ever do to her? I gave up everything to bring her up properly, and this is how she repays me!”

“What would you say if I tell you that because of personal discontent and frustration you can’t find love for yourself, which is why you constantly and unsuccessfully fight for other people’s love, feeling worthless all the time? Then you regret it and play the victim to justify yourself, trying to squeeze out some love for you.”

The women was looking at me slightly confused, as if I’d just presented a complex theorem to her, and then burst into tears.

This happens way too often – unhappy in life, one can develop a strong feeling of insecurity and get very lonely as a result. What’s the most typical reaction? Trying to bury the feeling, you pursue a career and build social aptitude and routines instrumental in the process. This is how a feeling of comfort is created – you may be in a bad way, but you’ve already got used to it. Frankly speaking, it’s always easier to take the line of least resistance. As time goes buy, you get settled into the wrong routines, sticking to your views even though you know they are nothing but a compromise between the quality of life and resistance to change. Change is always unpleasant, however good it may be. That’s why people tend to rot in silence, pretending not to see. In today’s world, the role you’ve given to yourself to create the most suitable version of yourself is more important than a truly serene and genuinely joyful life.

To make matters worse, without flexibility and change the rigid ego rules, and we come to believe that we are absolutely right, yet mere slaves to the fake images we have fabricated.

The first time we face up to reality, which usually happens in our closest relationship, we play the victim to justify our inability, fear, laziness and, most of all, our selfishness. Let’s not forget the ego’s strongest weapon – denial.

Mere prisoners to our decisions, hardly ever do we notice that by being slaves to them we’ve deprived ourselves of freedom. As Sigmund Freund would put it,

Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.

“Are you saying that I am selfish, even though I’m doing everything for others, and they are angry at me?” the woman said, all flustered, fidgeting nervously in the chair.

“You should be responsible for your actions. Focus on yourself, stop paying attention to others!”

“I can’t do it any other way, I gave her everything!”

“Is it because you gave her everything that you want to charge her for all that now?”

“What do you mean?” she pretended not to understand.

“Stop playing the victim! Shift your focus away from other people and give them freedom, because only by putting the focus back on yourself you can get your own freedom back. Stop being a slave to wrong habits! Take responsibility for your life, and stop blaming others!”

Who else is responsible for the poor quality of your life? Stop being addicted to the image you have so painfully created, or someone else did it for you. Life is not a frozen image, but a fluid film narrative.

It’s necessary to be flexible, but you shouldn’t expect your mind and logic to help you – they’ll only exhaust you. As long as you keep thinking you are right, and others are not, you’ll struggle, because the truth always lies in the middle. You should know that exactly what you deny and run away from happens most frequently.

Whenever you feel anxiety in communication, try to empathise with the other person and understand his or her needs. Everyone’s different. Focus on your life, and you’ll find peace and serenity.

“Let’s say that you are right. Is there anything I could change to solve the problem?” she asked vaguely, as if trying to make some kind of a deal with me.

“Wrong patterns can be changed in two ways, one is trauma, and the other is repetition. You should know that the kind of trauma that can actually change a pattern is often extremely difficult and painful, usually following many minor traumatic experiences. Do you think you can let yourself suffer that much?”

She was looking at me as if wishing to have her cake and eat it, too.

Repetition is always a better option. You should repeat the models opposite to those that create your suffering, transforming bad models into good ones, and practicing them until your mind adopts them.

The laws of individual existence and those of the universe are so precise that if you understand them you can take control of your life. We are so much more than an image, a name, surname and a profession.

You should step aside and become the observer, a non-judgmental one at that. The higher mind, above the filth of the material level, knows no problems. It’s our weaknesses down here that create problems, which is the reason why we have to rise higher, to a spiritual level. First, we must never hold a grudge and judge! All we have to do instead is to send love and forgive.

“That’s all very nice, but how do I make her realise that I just want to help her, and that she should stop harassing me?”

“To begin with, you should leave your daughter alone, and focus on yourself. Be positively selfish and self-sufficient. Get rid of the ‘poor me’ phrase, because what you keep saying becomes your reality. Stop doing what you think is best for others, and respect their decisions, wishes and needs instead. You need to understand that you are different people, with different needs, but what you do have in common is love, compassion and understanding.”

“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it!” the woman started bargaining again, clearly loving the role of the victim.

“Then keep suffering if you want, but at least be fair and spare others the consequences of the wrong choice you’ve made!”

I know she’ll try, because every human being is predestined for love and compassion.

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Playing the Victim – The Most Comfortable Role

  1. Kao da opisujete moju mamu. Cijeli život joj se svodi na žrtvovanje i stalno govori kako je ona cijeli život nečija žrtva. Istina je da se puno žrtvovala u životu, ali nitko ju na to nije prisiljavao. I dan danas svima hoće udovoljiti, ali onda se buni kad joj se ne uzvrati istom mjerom. Pokušala sam joj objasniti da ako smatra da ju netko iskorištava da primijeni stav prema toj osobi, ne vrijedi. Često puta sam se pitala da li ona voli izigravati žrtvu? Ona i ja nikada nismo dobro funkcionirale, bila je uvijek ljubomorna na moj odnos s ocem, a isti takav ona ima sa sinom. Sin joj može reći i napraviti svaša, ja moram jako birati riječi jer ako sam nešto krivo rekla to je katastrofa.

  2. Vidi se koji je članak najpregledaniji i najbliži našem čoveku-na podneblju gde se ljudi jedni sa drugima takmiče kome je gore i ko je veća žrtva, i gde je “padanje u sevdah” najviši stepen doživljaja radosti….pravo u centar Žarko, kao i uvek 🙂 Divim se tvojoj neposrednosti i govorenju istine bez zadrške i ulepšavanja! Napiši i sa drugim primerima molim te, i varijacijama na temu, da bi se oni kojima je potreban izlazak iz trougla drame lakše prepoznali 😉

  3. Super je ovaj tekst. Ako ne smeta dodaću komentar sa one “ženske” strane. Ako smeta, molim te, nemoj objaviti. Ženama jeste u prirodi da imaju potrebu za nesebičnim davanjem. To se može vezati samo za majčinski instikt, jer majčinstvo u konačnici jeste bezrezervno davanje. Problem nastaje kada u tom davanju žena zaboravi na svoje potrebe. Tada dolazi do neravnoteže (odnosno neljubav prema sebi ograničava ispoljavanje ljubavi prema bilo kome) i nastaje uloga žrtve.
    Iskreno, znam kakav je to osjećaj jer lovi me često. Mora postojati ravnoteža između ljubavi usmjerene prema drugima i ljubavi prema sebi. Ako se ne napravi taj balans dolazi do uloge žrtve. I u pravu si, ta uloga jeste totalno sebična. U prvi plan izbija ideja da žena sve od sebe daje za svoje potomstvo, ili za partnera, ili za oboje. Međutim, nema nagrade. Svi ostaju inferiorni prema njenoj žrtvi, čak im je ponekad i iritantna. Ona ostaje usamljena i neshvaćena na svom putu žrtve i tu joj niko osim nje same ne može pomoći.
    Međutim, činjenica jeste da žena može davati samo ako nije zanemarila svoje potrebe. Ako žena krene od sebe, tada njeno davanje nikada neće biti ograničavajuće za one kojima daje i tada žrtva ne postoji. Sve ostalo je manipulacija i trgovina po principu usluga za uslugu.
    Žene znaju da misle da je njihova veličanstvenost u davanju i tu jesu u pravu. Ono što pogrešno razumiju je to što one traže nagradu od onih kojima daju dugo prije nego što shvate da davanje jeste nagrada. Ovdje imam samo napomenu da se može dati samo ono što se posjeduje.

  4. Tekst životan, odnos izmedju roditelja i odrasle djece.
    Dok su djeca mala i ovisna na bilo koji način od roditelja sve funkcioniše. Kad postanu samostalni često dolazi do nesuglasica upravo zbog disbalansa u odnosima ne samo davanja- primanja, već i odanosti i zapostavljenosti. Uz uzajamno razumijevanje, poštovanje ljubav izmedju roditelja i djece treba da je trajna.
    Ko to ne umije da uspostavi i održi treba potražiti stručnu pomoć i hvala Bogu za takvu mogućnost.

  5. Zrtva…Taj pojam, koriste samo slabe osobe u svom opravdanju zasto nesto i na koji nacin, rade, trpe i sl. Medju njima sami ja. Ali BILA. Nisam vise. Ja sam se “zrtvovala” da ostanem u braku, zbog dece, kuce, neizvesne buducnosti, kuda, kako…sto pitanja. Sada se kajem zato sto nisam odmah reagovala, mozda bih odavno nasla svoj mir i spokoj. Sada idem drugim putem, nadam se dobrom.
    I da dodam, da nisam decu rodila da bi bile u OBAVEZI da mi u starosti menjaju pelene….ne, neka sebi biraju put za dobar i srecan zivot, bicu uvek tu da se nasmejemo, mozda zaplacemo..ali ne mozemo decu da stalno krijemo u skutama i drzimo pod staklenim zvonom. Ja barem tako mislim, a zivot nam donosi stalno neka nova iskusenja u svemu, najvise u roditeljstvu..”Nije majka koja rodi, nego koja odgaji” to sam negde cula… da li je tacno? Mozda, ima svega, sto ljudi, sto cudi.
    Da ne pametujem vise…mislim da ce deca sama pokazati kad su dovoljno sazrela da brinu o sebi, budite srecni zbog toga, jer su sigurno i zdrava i pametna, sto je velikim delom i vasa, kao roditelja, zasluga. Budite im podrska i potpora, koliko god se moze, naravno…
    Svim majkama zelim puno strpljenja, a deci razumevanja…

  6. Ukratko, gledajte svoja posla. Majke cesto guse svoju decu bespotrebno i kad su odrasla tretiraju ih kao da su deca. Kad ces da jedes? Je l’ si uradio ovo ono? Reci to i to, bla bla bla. Zovu svaki cas. Aman. I ocevi to mogu da rade ali su majke vise dosadne. Ja to ne zovem brigom nego dosadom. Zato deca beze kad majke vole da kontrolisu. Ja isto ne volim kad mi neko dira stvari, zavrsava ih umesto mene, govori mi kako da se ponasam, a odrasla sam. I ne mora da znaci da su roditelji u pravu, cak mislim da vecina roditelja nema pojma o zivotu, daju pogresne savete. Ostali su u drugom vremenu. Nije ni cudo sto se “deca” ljute, pustite ih na miru, makar i radili pogresno jer u suprotnom postizete inat ili ljutnju. Zelite najbolje ali mesanje je nesto sasvim drugo, pustite decu na miru!

  7. Ovo nam je na jednom seminaru kouc lepo objasnio : zene na nasem podneblju od malena uce da trebaju da se zrtvuju , za muza , decu , familiju , prijatelje , komsije , a onda kasnije u zivotu kod mnogih to postane odlicno sredstvo manipulacije drugima .Najstrasnije je sto najvise strada taj manipulator a da to ni ne primeti , a i kkad primeti to je po njemu uvek zbog toga sto se zrtvovao za druge . Retki su jos uvek oni koji su spremni da izadju iz sablona zrtve .

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